SYDNEY—Economists across Australia braced for the Reserve Bank to deliver its third consecutive interest rate hike this Tuesday, with experts confident that the new policy of ‘raising rates until mortgages are imaginary’ will finally slow inflation caused by global oil prices, avocado toast, and the mysterious forces controlling fruit prices at Coles.

While price surges for petrol due to Middle East turmoil remain completely immune to rate hikes, RBA Governor Philip Lowerson insisted the bank has no choice. ‘Look, we can’t control oil, wages, or the cost of lettuce,’ Lowerson said at a Monday press conference. ‘But what we can do is make it harder for you to afford your house. That’s economics.’

Chief analyst Shazza McGivern, lead author of the report “Screwing Ourselves Out of Inflation,” agreed. ‘It’s basic supply and demand. If we make money so expensive nobody moves it, eventually prices must come down—especially for food, because no one will be able to eat.’

Not everyone is convinced. ‘Honestly, I just hope RBA’s next tool is to send us all commemorative teaspoons instead of raising rates again,’ remarked first-home buyer Jason Chook, 34, who described being ‘one hike away from moving into a tent on Bondi Beach.’

Despite calls for new strategies, the RBA reiterated its position in a statement: ‘Until we invent a machine that directly sucks inflation out of the air, interest rates are all we’ve got. Please try not to panic, or purchase.’