HOLLYWOOD — In a stunning display of audience masochism, “Five Nights at Freddy’s 2” devoured $63 million at the domestic box office this weekend, shattering expectations, records, and, reportedly, the will to live for rival studio executives. The animatronic horror sequel, based on a game designed to traumatize unwitting children, easily outperformed projections, prompting existential questions about America’s cultural priorities.

The win comes as “Zootopia 2,” a tale of law-abiding cartoon mammals, trotted past the $900 million global milestone, ensuring future generations will be educated by wisecracking rabbits and foxes rather than standardized tests. “We thought Thanksgiving was about family and gratitude, but turns out it’s about watching haunted robotic animals torment teenagers,” said box office analyst Bernice Fuddlemeyer, while clutching a half-eaten slice of pepperoni pizza in fear.

Teenager and self-proclaimed ‘Freddy’s survivor’ Dakota Jergens, 15, was enthusiastic about the sequel: “Nothing brings my family together like paranormal violence in a rundown pizzeria. Even grandma screamed so hard, her Fitbit called 911.”

Meanwhile, Walt Disney Studios spokesperson Chad Everhart congratulated the competition, stating, “We’re proud of ‘Zootopia 2’s’ ability to teach children the value of inclusivity – and that talking animals can print money too.”

Sources indicate Universal is already greenlighting “Five Nights at Freddy’s 3: Chuck E. Cheese’s Reckoning,” scheduled for next May. “If America wants more haunted pizza, who are we to stop them?” whispered a trembling studio intern before disappearing under his desk.