CARSON CITY, NV—In a bold defense of Nevada’s long-standing tradition of wholesome, family-friendly gambling, state officials have filed a lawsuit against Kalshi, a prediction market platform whose chief crime is letting people bet on elections and sporting events without first making the respectable pilgrimage to a casino buffet.

“If Nevadans want to throw away their savings betting on coin flips, we expect them to do it while sitting at a sticky blackjack table under a giant neon cowboy,” said Margaret Fennelly, spokesdealer for the Nevada State Gaming Board. “These online operations are robbing our citizens of the free prime rib and existential despair that are the birthright of our state’s gamblers.”

The lawsuit, filed within hours of a federal appeals court denying Kalshi’s attempt to call ‘no takebacks,’ accuses the company of offering the thrill of poorly thought-out wagers to anyone with an internet connection, some spare cash, and a strong desire to lose both. According to the complaint, Kalshi has also allegedly allowed minors as young as 18 to experience the rush of legally sanctioned regret.

“We pride ourselves on responsible gambling here,” insisted casino executive Todd McTavish while yelling over a slot machine rendition of ‘Viva Las Vegas’. “That means age checks, ID scans, and at least one complimentary beverage per hour. It’s simply not safe unless there are flashing lights warning you about your choices.”

Kalshi has not commented, possibly because they are busy updating their market odds on how many more lawsuits Nevada will file this month.