In a move described by some as “inspired” and by others as “possibly in violation of several labor laws,” newly-appointed England manager Thomas Tuchel has announced his World Cup squad—conspicuously without a single professional footballer in sight.

Instead of stalwarts like Harry Maguire, Trent Alexander-Arnold, or Phil Foden, Tuchel unveiled a roster composed exclusively of men named Darren, Simon, and an intimidating centre-back known to classmates as “Big Jake,” all of whom Tuchel claims “showed tremendous spirit during Year 6 sports day.”

“Frankly, the big names just didn’t have what I was looking for—unbridled enthusiasm and the ability to run laps in plimsolls,” Tuchel explained during a press conference held in a church hall. “Plus, Darren once did a cartwheel after scoring against Mrs. Jenkins’s class. That’s the sort of creativity the national team needs.”

Skeptics, like football analyst Greg Witherspoon, questioned the strategy, stating, “It’s a bold move, especially since three players still list ‘hopscotch’ under special skills. But at least none of them have Twitter accounts.”

In a show of solidarity, Arsenal fans—still euphoric from their first Premier League title in 22 years—offered to lend their own parade floats for the squad’s send-off. One supporter, Alfie Lunt, beamed: “If they can beat Mrs. Jenkins’s Year 6s, surely they’re ready for Brazil.”

FA officials confirmed the squad will receive custom kits featuring their school nicknames and are currently seeking a sponsor among leading juice box brands.