In a stunning revelation, the National Pop Culture Institute’s latest online quiz has determined that a staggering 87% of Americans are “catastrophically unfit for modern society,” falling short of even basic celebrity recognition benchmarks such as identifying anyone named ‘Chris’ in Hollywood or knowing which Kardashian has most recently opened a skincare line.

Among the myriad challenges, participants were asked to name the pop star rumored to have married a cave, list at least three celebrity feuds conducted entirely over vegan milk alternatives, and recall the infamous moment when two A-listers accidentally wore the same sentient dress to the 2023 Met Gala. According to the Institute, the average score was 2 out of a possible 48. “Apparently, knowing the difference between Timothée Chalamet and a decorative lamp is a basic life skill now,” said Dr. Lynette Zorn, lead researcher. “Frankly, we’re concerned for anyone who can’t recall which former child actor is currently collaborating with a minor league baseball team on a perfume launch.”

Test-takers reported feelings of shame, confusion, and, in some cases, existential dread. “I thought I was up-to-date because I knew who Billie Eilish is,” said Omaha resident Greg Templeton. “Turns out, I failed when I couldn’t distinguish between Dua Lipa and a holographic raccoon.”

The Institute recommends immediate remedial action, such as binging at least 200 hours of sponsored TikTok drama and memorizing the lyrics to every song produced during the brief but consequential Post Malone–Kermit the Frog crossover era.