LIMA, PERU — In a dramatic display of competitive spirit, the Alejandro Villanueva Stadium leapt to the top of the league table Friday, recording one fatality and dozens of injuries before a single ball was even kicked, according to officials at Alianza Lima Football Club.

The incident occurred during what was supposed to be a festive “flag-waving event”—a beloved Peruvian tradition in which fans attempt to outdo each other in national pride, respiratory illnesses, and cranial trauma—prior to the high-stakes derby match between Alianza Lima and Universitario de Deportes. Initial reports suggested a wall of the stadium collapsed. However, Alianza Lima clarified that no structural failures occurred. “While our walls remain standing, human dignity apparently did not,” said club spokesperson Miguel Rojas, who accused gravity of once again interfering with the sport.

Eyewitnesses described a scene of confusion and misplaced patriotism. “I came to wave my flag, not my white flag,” said die-hard supporter Rodrigo Castañeda, limping slightly. “At least our flag survived intact, unlike Alfredo’s femur.”

Despite the mounting casualty list, club officials reassured the public that the stadium is “99% safe for most mammals” and will continue to host future gatherings, barring any additional laws of physics. “If anything, this demonstrates the passion of our fans and a need for stronger walls,” said local architect Camila Gutierrez, reviewing blueprints for a new sturdier stadium to be constructed entirely out of commemorative scarves.

As fans recover, Alianza Lima plans to hold a candlelight vigil, followed by a full-contact tribute to those who fell, reminding everyone that in Peruvian football, the most dangerous opponent is often the venue itself.