LONDON — Metropolitan Police officers wearing protective gloves and a glazed look of resignation this week searched two properties linked to former Labour fixer Peter Mandelson, reportedly in a last-ditch attempt to discover something, anything, that hasn’t already been leaked to Jeffrey Epstein.

Sources say the raids, centering on Mandelson’s residences in Camden and a Wiltshire cottage he’s been renting since his dramatic sacking as ambassador to the US (a position created exclusively to sack him from), yielded little outside of a dusty Nokia flip phone and an unopened copy of “Ethics for Dummies.”

“We were hoping to uncover market-sensitive intelligence, or at the very least, an embarrassing diary entry,” said Detective Inspector Nigel Floorlamp, pausing to sift through a suspiciously well-stocked wine cellar. “Unfortunately, all we found was a signed Epstein Christmas card and 27 burner phones, each labeled ‘Definitely Not For Shady Deals.’”

Mandelson’s spokesperson, Sir Percival Smirke, insisted, “Lord Mandelson categorically denies leaking sensitive information to the late Mr. Epstein. Any market-sensitive materials in his possession are simply for his personal amusement and spirited dinner party anecdotes.”

Political analyst Tristram Plumby called the investigation “a harrowing reminder that the only thing more difficult than finding integrity in British politics is finding a Tory who hasn’t dined at Epstein’s Manhattan townhouse.”

At press time, police had cordoned off Mandelson’s guest bedroom, after discovering a stack of unsigned NDAs and a single, ominous black book marked “Friends & Favors.”