MILAN—In an historic comeback sure to inspire millions and terrify international regulators, former Russian figure skating coach Eteri Tutberidze has returned to the Olympic spotlight at the 2026 Milan Cortina Games, boldly vowing to keep any future doping ‘strictly artisanal.’

Tutberidze, last seen leading a cadre of exceptionally energetic teenagers through the 2022 Beijing Games, told reporters she was excited to be back. ‘This time, our training focuses on pure skill, raw artistry, and microdosing ethics violations,’ she said, casually sipping a Gatorade that winked suspiciously at the camera.

When asked about Kamila Valieva’s memorable 2022 performance, which included quads, international outcry, and a surprise chemistry lab segment, Tutberidze was quick to clarify. ‘Kamila’s results were a misunderstanding. The B sample accidentally got swapped with a Red Bull,’ she explained, before being ushered away by her team pharmacist.

Olympic official Dirk Jensen welcomed Tutberidze with cautious optimism, stating, ‘We have installed six new testing labs, one for each Russian skater. Just a routine measure, definitely not related to any recent scandals.’

Russian Olympic Committee spokesperson Olga Morozova praised Tutberidze’s commitment to clean sport: ‘Eteri has assured us there will be no repeat of 2022. This time, the only thing our athletes are testing positive for is dazzling choreography.’

The International Skating Union has preemptively awarded Tutberidze the “Lifetime Achievement in Creative Nutrition” plaque, to be displayed next to the skating rink and nearest blood testing station.