LONDON—After 1.5 million guests paid actual money to watch a live reenactment of teenage telekinesis and supernatural nosebleeds, Stranger Things: The First Shadow is lowering its curtain in both the West End and Broadway, citing the one force even more powerful than the Upside Down: the irresistible pull of Netflix’s ‘Skip Intro’ button.

Despite two Olivier awards, four Tonys, and three years of pyrotechnic Christmas-light Morse code, producers admitted that audiences ultimately prefer their nostalgia filtered through 4K screens and delivered in 48-minute bursts. ‘When people realized they couldn’t pause the stage to grab Eggo waffles from the fridge, the magic was gone,’ confessed executive producer Janice Bryers, wiping away a single, sentimental blood droplet from her left nostril.

Ticket-holder and cosplay enthusiast Darren Kilby reported disappointment upon realizing, ‘The actors just walk around and talk—no one even gets sucked into the ceiling. Plus, I had to wear pants the whole time.’ The final performance will reportedly feature every character standing on stage and staring ominously at a wall for 12 minutes, followed by an intermission sponsored by New Coke.

Rumors of a professionally filmed version for Netflix continue to swirl, with theater usher Samantha Dean commenting, ‘If I have to see another kid fake-levitate a Demogorgon with interpretive dance, I’m joining the circus.’

The curtain falls for the last time this winter, paving the way for Netflix’s next theatrical venture, ‘Bridgerton: The Musical Chairs.’