WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Thursday that campaign spending limits were an unconscionable muzzle on the free expression of billionaires, officially recognizing money as America’s loudest and most passionate form of speech.

“The Framers could never have foreseen Venmo, PACs, or the exhilarating sound of $10 million checks hitting a candidate’s account,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts in the majority opinion. “It would be unpatriotic to stand in the way of a hedge fund manager’s heartfelt urge to bankroll every election from city dogcatcher to president.”

Political parties across the spectrum welcomed the decision, immediately rolling out new fundraising incentives. The Republican National Committee debuted the “Adopt-a-Senator” program, letting megadonors sponsor a lawmaker for as little as $2 million a month. Meanwhile, Democratic strategist Casey Brooks announced, “We’re excited to offer our Platinum Donor Club, where for a modest $500,000, you get a personalized voicemail from Nancy Pelosi and a commemorative gavel.”

Critics argue the move will further skew politics towards the ultrarich, but Supreme Court spokesman Byron Cashflow defended the ruling. “We see this as a win for democracy,” Cashflow said. “Now everyone has an equal shot—if they have a billion dollars. Otherwise, they can always start a GoFundMe for their opinions.”

The FEC responded by introducing a new campaign finance disclosure form called the “Just Trust Us” worksheet, which asks candidates to simply pinky-swear they’re not being unduly influenced.