AUSTIN, TX—In a move political historians are already calling “the most Texas thing since chili without beans,” former President Donald Trump urged voters to support Attorney General Ken Paxton over four-term incumbent Senator John Cornyn, transforming the Republican primary into what experts are describing as “a high-noon shouting match with ballots.”

“Look, Ken is a great guy. They say he’s under investigation, but I say that’s how you know he gets things done,” Trump announced at a campaign rally in Lubbock, standing next to a papier-mâché wall painted to look like the Texas border. “John Cornyn’s been around forever. Nobody remembers his name, but they remember Ken’s lawsuits!”

Sources inside the Texas GOP report that debates have devolved into “intense finger-pointing and extended yee-hawing contests,” as the party scrambles to pick a candidate who can both “run the state and outlast the next indictment.” One attendee of last week’s town hall, local rancher Myrtle Leghorn, told reporters, “Honestly, I just want someone who can out-barbeque the Democrats. But if they’re yelling, at least I can hear ‘em over my tractor.”

Cornyn, who has held the seat since the late 1800s (according to flyers distributed by Paxton supporters), tried to calm the situation by handing out copies of his 47-point plan for “Respectful Governance and Responsible Cowboy Hat Ownership,” which many attendees used to start their brisket grills.

A neutral observer, Sheriff Buck McGraw, commented, “They could settle this with a line-dancing contest. But knowing Texas, someone’d sneak in a snake.”

With both camps vowing to “out-Texas” the other, pollsters fear Republicans may split the vote so severely that the Democratic candidate, a local vegan librarian, could win by default.