WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO summit this week, immediately revitalizing international diplomacy by suggesting the U.S. could let Ukraine manufacture its own Patriot missiles “as long as they spell it with three T’s, just for fun.”

Trump also reanimated the campaign to acquire Greenland, proposing a trade with Denmark involving New Jersey and ‘half of Delaware.’ “Deal of the century, folks. Greenland gets Jersey Shore, we get more ice—win-win,” he explained, waving a snow globe as a visual aid.

Not content to stop there, Trump took a hard line against Spain, declaring it “very bad—possibly the worst since they invented tapas,” and urged the UK to channel the spirit of Winston Churchill by “eating more cigars and yelling at Parliament.”

Trump then surprised attendees by praising Turkey’s Recep Tayyip Erdoğan for his “tremendous military hats” and, apropos of nothing, called China “the best at building Great Walls. Nobody’s done more with bricks.”

NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg attempted to steer the summit back on course, but was last seen searching for an interpreter who speaks both “Trump” and “reality.” Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte added, “I’ll be holding a press conference after this. If anyone is interested. Please?”

White House aide Linda Gibbons summarized the morning: “We’re just thrilled he hasn’t tried to rename NATO ‘TRUMPATO’ yet. Morale is high, confusion higher.”