WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a two-hour Situation Room meeting interrupted only by an urgent Diet Coke refill, President Donald Trump triumphantly announced Friday that he was “basically on the verge, maybe even more than the verge, of a tremendous, incredible Iran peace deal, the likes of which nobody has ever seen.”

According to Trump, the groundbreaking agreement includes Iran opening the Strait of Hormuz for synchronized international jet ski competitions, dismantling its nuclear program using “the best hammers, American hammers,” and renaming Tehran’s main boulevard “Donald J. Trump Freedom Avenue.”

Iranian officials, however, reported being largely unaware of any deal. “We have not received any new documents. Is he referring to the folder of cheeseburger coupons his envoy left last time?” asked Deputy Foreign Minister Hassan Qashqavi, between nervous sips of tea. “He keeps faxing us napkins with sharpie doodles. We are not sure if that’s legally binding.”

White House Press Secretary Marcy Glint described the President’s diplomatic style as “the Art of the Vague Word,” insisting that “peace is a process, a state of mind, possibly even a Facebook status.”

Meanwhile, National Security Advisor Chad Tupperware clarified, “We’re confident the President can finalize this deal as soon as Iran agrees to all American demands, learns all the rules to Monopoly, and says ‘please.'”

At press time, President Trump tweeted: “Historic Day! Iran agrees to something. Still working on what.”