PALM BEACH, FL—Moments after being arraigned on 34 felony charges, Donald J. Trump delivered a rousing speech at Mar-a-Lago in which he meticulously insulted Manhattan Judge Juan Merchan, his wife, and even their family dog, confirming what legal scholars now call “the classic post-arraignment roast.”

Speaking to supporters and loyal Mar-a-Lago buffet attendees, Trump insisted, “It’s just what you do after a felony arraignment. You mention the judge, the judge’s family, maybe throw in a neighbor or two. It’s tradition, like pardoning a turkey.”

Political analysts scrambled to interpret the new legal strategy. CNN contributor Maggie Haberman explained, “For decades, defendants have chosen silence or legal counsel. Trump is boldly reviving the lost art of defendant stand-up,” she noted, adjusting her glasses. “Some historians say this custom dates back to Al Capone congratulating prosecutors on their children’s report cards.”

Trump advisor Rudy Giuliani chimed in, declaring, “Frankly, if you’re not mocking the judge’s extended family after an arraignment, you’re doing it all wrong. Next time, we’ll get the cousins in there too.”

The judge’s wife, perhaps surprised to find herself trending on Truth Social, reportedly responded, “I just hope he doesn’t look up my Etsy store. My macrame is not arraignment-proof.”

Legal experts now expect future defendants to follow Trump’s lead, and are bracing for a surge in post-arraignment roast battle bookings in courthouses nationwide.