MOSCOW—In a bold move to keep chess as blandly suspicious as possible, the World Chess Federation (FIDE) announced Tuesday it had banned former world champion Vladimir Kramnik for daring to suggest that elaborate cheating conspiracies exist outside his own mind.

Kramnik, once celebrated for his mastery of the King’s Indian Defense, has recently dedicated his time to posting lengthy, typo-ridden manifestos accusing everyone from Magnus Carlsen to the late Daniel Naroditsky of utilizing gadgets, psychic powers, and, in one post, a ‘quantum hamster’ to win games. FIDE says such behavior constitutes a direct violation of the organization’s longstanding ‘Don’t Be Weird Online’ policy.

“Vladimir clearly broke the rules of chess decorum, which state: if you suspect cheating, you mutter about it to your cat, not the entire Internet,” explained FIDE spokesperson Ludmila Popov. “We draw the line well before public Google Docs manifestos at 3 a.m.”

Kramnik’s supporters, now numbering in the high single digits, have called the ban a ‘cover-up.’ “This is how Big Chess silences truth-tellers,” claimed Igor Polgar, founder of the blog ‘Deep State Sicilian.’ “My cousin’s neighbor’s dog once barked at a bishop—connect the dots.”

Meanwhile, reigning champion Ding Liren issued a statement: “With Kramnik gone, the rest of us can finally focus on our real passion: staring at monitors for six hours while hallucinating pawns.”

At press time, Kramnik was reportedly launching a new chess variant called “Trustless Blitz,” where players are required to wear blindfolds, earplugs, and handcuffs while being monitored by a retired KGB agent.