NEW YORK—In what legal scholars are calling “the most aggressive form of self-care ever recorded,” former President Donald Trump has filed a $10 billion lawsuit against himself after the alleged leak of his own tax returns, promising he will neither back down nor cut himself any deals, even under pressure from himself.

According to court documents, Trump v. Trump claims “reckless disregard for privacy and total failure to be a winner,” with President Trump both as the plaintiff and the defendant. Legal teams representing “Donald J. Trump, the victim” and “Donald J. Trump, the perpetrator” are reportedly locked in heated negotiations, with neither side answering the other’s phone calls. “My client will not settle for less than $12 billion, and frankly, he thinks $10 billion is an insult,” said fictional attorney Jake Goldblatt, who represents the Plaintiff Trump. The Defendant Trump’s legal team responded, “We categorically deny all wrongdoing, and our client looks forward to suing himself into bankruptcy if that’s what it takes.”

Court insiders say the case could set a precedent for self-litigation. “This is a bold new chapter for narcissistic jurisprudence,” said Marissa Biddle, professor of constitutional self-sabotage at Harvard Law. “We expect several countersuits by Trump against Trump for courtroom behavior.”

When asked for comment, Trump issued a statement: “Nobody sues me more beautifully than I do. If I lose, I win. If I win, I win bigly. It’s a tremendous case—many people are saying so.”