WASHINGTON, D.C.—Citing “critical national emergencies” and an unwavering devotion to the American people, former President Donald Trump announced Friday that he will bravely forgo attending the wedding of his eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., this weekend. Trump explained the sacrifice was necessary to safeguard the nation during what he ominously referred to as “America’s most important two consecutive days of the month.”

“America always comes first. Also, I’ve never actually seen Don Jr. enjoy wedding cake, so he’ll be fine,” Trump said in a hastily arranged press conference on the White House South Lawn, in between rounds of golf and a screening of Fox & Friends. “No president, and I repeat, no president, has ever sacrificed this much for the country. George Washington never skipped a wedding.”

Sources say the former president will instead dedicate his weekend to monitoring events in Washington, which reportedly include the White House annual lawn flamingo audit and ‘Very Stable Genius’ remembrance parade. “We are grateful for Mr. Trump’s willingness to miss out on the cha-cha slide in order to stand guard over the greater D.C. metro area,” said acting Deputy Assistant Director of President Scheduling, Kip Plimpton. “Also, we ran out of rental tuxedos.”

Don Jr. responded with understanding, stating, “Dad’s absence will be felt, but mostly by the photo booth and the open bar.” Family friend and wedding DJ Chad McMichaels commented, “We had a whole playlist of ‘Y.M.C.A.’ ready. Now we’ll just use it for the impeachment afterparty.”