PALM BEACH, FL — After his historic arraignment, former president turned stand-up insult comic Donald Trump took the stage at Mar-a-Lago Tuesday night to unveil a new legal strategy: personally attacking the judge, the judge’s family, and anyone within a 50-foot radius of New York State Courthouse.

“If Judge Merchan can dish out indictments, I can dish out better nicknames. That’s how we’ll win, folks,” Trump told a crowd of adoring supporters and confused caterers, before launching into a tight ten about the judge’s daughter’s LinkedIn profile. “It’s called counter-punching, or as my lawyers call it, ‘doing exactly what we told him not to,'” explained Trump’s attorney, Todd Blitzman, as he frantically Googled “contempt of court consequences.”

CNN contributor Maggie Haberman later clarified that Trump’s attacks were actually part of an advanced legal doctrine known as “The Playground Defense.” “Trump’s approach is simple: the best way to challenge the rule of law is to call the law names until it cries and takes its lunch home early,” Haberman said, referencing Trump’s suggestion that Judge Merchan’s son was probably a Democrat or, worse, owns a Prius.

Former advisor Corey Lewandowski praised the speech, noting, “If the strategy works, we’ll be launching ‘America’s Courtroom Roast’ on Netflix next year. We’re still in talks with Judge Judy.”

Officials for the Manhattan D.A.’s Office declined to comment, citing a blanket policy of not responding to “playground-level litigation.”

Legal experts predict Trump’s next move will be to challenge the indictment by suggesting Judge Merchan’s mother wears army boots.