In a bold defense of its right to do whatever it wants, the Trump administration announced plans this week to “systematically disable” the International Criminal Court, declaring that any organization attempting to hold Americans accountable for crimes is, by definition, a threat to U.S. sovereignty, apple pie, and well-armed bald eagles.

“The International Criminal Court is a perfectly fine institution as long as it restricts its activities to prosecuting war criminals from countries with less sturdy constitutions,” said U.S. Undersecretary for Freedom, Liberty, and Whatever Else, Seth Munroe. “If they start looking into Americans, we’ll be forced to unleash our collection of strongly-worded letters and maybe even a mean tweet.”

European Union spokesperson Anouar El Anouni responded Wednesday, stating, “We stand firm in our support of the ICC. We believe international law should apply equally, at least in theory, and not only to people with unpronounceable names.”

White House strategist Lisa Bannon explained the administration’s position: “The only thing the ICC is authorized to prosecute is bad coffee served at European conferences. Otherwise, it’s an attack on freedom.”

Meanwhile, Acting U.S. Ambassador-at-Large Ron Pabst clarified Washington’s priorities: “If the ICC wants to stay relevant, maybe it should focus its efforts on, like, jaywalking in Belgium or illegal cheese imports from France. That’s the real global threat.”

At press time, the Trump administration was reportedly working on a new executive order recognizing only those courts that serve burgers in the jury box.