In a bold humanitarian initiative that experts are calling ‘both unnecessary and logistically baffling,’ President Donald Trump this week unveiled the White Afrikaner Rescue Plan, promising to deliver persecuted South African Boers directly to safe, HOA-governed American suburbs—preferably those with strict lawn maintenance codes.

The plan, which includes emergency charter flights, a Welcome to the Neighborhood BBQ, and a complimentary set of American flag polo shirts, sent shockwaves through Pretoria, where President Cyril Ramaphosa responded by labeling the move ‘racist, uninformed, and probably a typo.’

‘I met President Trump last year,’ Ramaphosa recounted to The New York Times. ‘He showed me a dimly-lit YouTube video titled “White Farmers—The Real Victims,” narrated by someone named “QPatriot1776.” I had to explain that South Africa is not, in fact, a sequel to Django Unchained.’

Trump, undeterred, gave a statement at a hastily organized press conference in a Cracker Barrel parking lot: ‘Nobody loves Afrikaners more than me. Beautiful people, amazing haircuts, great with fences. We’re taking them to the best neighborhoods—ones with no windmills, because windmills cause cancer.’

Local homeowners’ association president Linda McCulley expressed some concern. ‘We welcome diversity, as long as they understand the rules about mailbox color. And the Afrikaans folk songs will have to end by 8 pm.’

Meanwhile, ICE spokesperson Chad Brewster clarified logistics: ‘We’ve prepared a special fast-track citizenship test. All they have to do is correctly pronounce “Boerwors” and point to Iowa on a map.’