WASHINGTON—Markwayne Mullin, Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Department of Homeland Security, assured senators Wednesday that while he has no actual military experience, he has personally faced the “horrors of war”—specifically, the horrors of spotty WiFi and continental breakfast shortages during business trips abroad.

“Anyone who’s ever been stuck in a Turkish airport with three percent battery knows true fear,” Mullin told Fox News. “War is ugly. It smells like cold eggs and tastes like room-temperature orange juice. And if anybody has ever been there and tasted the suffering in powdered eggs, and felt it in their nostrils, it’s something you’ll never forget. And it’s ugly.”

Close advisors insist Mullin’s combat experience is simply misunderstood. “The senator once waited nearly 45 minutes for his Uber to the Rome airport,” said campaign spokesperson Tammy DeWitt. “That kind of trauma shapes a man.”

When pressed by senators about his enigmatic tours of duty, Mullin clarified, “I’ve been overseas many times. There was the time my luggage was lost in Frankfurt. And the time my hotel view faced a brick wall. These are the sacrifices I carry with me.”

Critics have questioned Mullin’s war stories, but supporters remain steadfast. “If you’ve ever braved the international ATM fees of war, you know you don’t come back the same,” explained Oklahoma voter Todd Givens. “He’s a patriot in the Airbnb trenches.”

Senators are expected to vote on Mullin’s appointment once he returns from his next classified mission: an all-inclusive Jamaican beach conference.