In a historic escalation of playground diplomacy, US President Donald Trump threatened to “totally annihilate” Iran on Sunday, moments after both nations exchanged strikes and accusations over who broke the ceasefire first, and whose mom is actually the ugliest.

Following an Iranian missile barrage targeting Bahrain and Kuwait to avenge US airstrikes, Trump took to Truth Social to clarify that “Iran started it, but America finishes it. If they want talks, they can DM me—otherwise, say goodbye to the Strait of Hormuz.” The Pentagon later clarified that the President’s definition of ‘finish it’ could range from more tweets to actual fireworks, depending on the mood at Mar-a-Lago.

“Iran has made it clear: With every blow comes a bigger blow right back,” stated Abbas Araghchi, Iran’s foreign minister, during a press conference in Baghdad. “We are prepared to escalate this conflict all the way to strongly worded emails if necessary.”

On CNN, National Security Advisor Chet Banger assured viewers, “We’re deploying our finest Facebook meme divisions alongside the Navy’s 5th Fleet. Victory is assured, unless it rains.”

Meanwhile, administration surrogate JD Vance told Fox News, “America always wins. If we don’t win, we just pretend harder until reality adapts. That’s how we got through 2020.”

Regional leaders, including Jordan’s King Abdullah II, condemned the violence but also noted, “At this point, we’re just glad they haven’t discovered teleportation.”

As both sides prepare for the next round of diplomatic dodgeball, international observers suggested the odds of peace were “about the same as a Twitter thread changing anyone’s mind.”