In a dramatic turn toward conflict resolution, the Biden administration has unveiled a groundbreaking 60-day peace initiative between the U.S. and Iran, relying heavily on the time-honored diplomatic tactic of politely asking everyone to stop blowing things up.

Vice President J.D. Vance spoke to reporters Thursday, clarifying, “The clock starts now. We have 60 days to achieve world peace in the region, or at least agree to schedule more Zoom calls. And let me be clear: the U.S. isn’t giving Iran a single cent. We’re not even springing for parking validation.”

President Trump, still acting as the deal’s remote life coach, reportedly urged Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, “Benji, buddy, just… maybe ease up on the whole building demolition thing? Try interior decorating instead,” according to sources familiar with a call accidentally broadcast over Mar-a-Lago’s PA system.

Reaction across Washington has been mixed. “The plan is elegant in its optimism,” explained State Department spokesperson Tara Flimsy. “We simply request that everyone with explosives put them down and consider group therapy.”

Meanwhile, Iranian negotiator Mostafa Boomzadeh responded, “If America isn’t giving us money, can we at least get a Starbucks gift card?”

As the 60-day peace clock ticks down, lawmakers remain hopeful yet realistic. “If this doesn’t work,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, “we’re prepared to try the ‘double-dog dare’ method. It’s never failed us in middle school, and the Middle East isn’t that different.”