In a shocking display of buyer apathy reminiscent of a group project at TAFE, Australia’s property market is facing outright rejection from first home buyers—even as prices tumble lower than Scott Morrison’s approval ratings.

Analysts report that first-time buyers, previously known to form overnight queues outside auction sites, are now giving the market ‘the ick’, citing a toxic combination of surging interest rates, economic uncertainty, and an unexplainable aversion to three-bedroom fibro shacks in Penrith.

“It’s honestly too desperate,” said 29-year-old would-be buyer Caitlyn Baxter, sipping a $12 oat latte in a Brunswick cafe. “The market keeps texting me photos of price reductions and sending mortgage memes. It’s embarrassing.”

Even investors, previously known to swarm open homes like magpies on bread crusts, are now fleeing. “If my property can’t double in value every six months, what’s even the point?” asked investor Trevor McMahon, who last year bought a half-constructed granny flat in Newcastle and is now trying to offload it for Bitcoin.

Real estate agent Bobby ‘Fast-Talker’ Giannopoulos is feeling the chill. “I held an open house last week and only three people showed up—two were lost Uber Eats drivers, and one was my cousin. I’m starting to wonder if I should go back to selling used Hyundais.”

With buyers showing the same level of enthusiasm as a soggy Bunnings sausage sizzle, experts believe the market may soon be forced to lower its standards, settle down, and get a real job.