• Politics

Trump Announces Netanyahu Pardon in Psychic Vision, Israeli President Confirms He Was ‘Just Thinking Loudly’

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 1, 2026

Donald Trump announced that Israeli President Isaac Herzog is sending a pardon for Benjamin Netanyahu, a claim swiftly denied by Herzog's office, leading to global confusion over the boundaries of diplomatic telepathy.

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• Politics

Kennedy Center Amends Bylaws So Only Trump-Appointed Trustees May Rename It ‘The Donald J. Trump Center For The Performing Tremendousness’

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 1, 2026

The Kennedy Center changed its bylaws to restrict voting on renaming the institution to Trump-appointed trustees, seemingly clearing the way to add Donald Trump’s name.

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• Sport

Buccaneers Head Coach Criticizes Baker Mayfield, Suggests ‘Maybe Just Try Throwing To Our Team Instead’

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 1, 2026

Buccaneers head coach Todd Bowles openly questions quarterback Baker Mayfield’s tactics as the team faces playoff elimination, suggesting radical measures to improve passing accuracy.

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• Politics

Iran Suggests Trump Ignore Netanyahu, Consider Settling Disputes with Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament Instead

Gloria HyperboleDecember 31, 2025

Iranian officials encourage President Trump to ignore Netanyahu and resolve nuclear disagreements through direct talks, or alternately, an official rock-paper-scissors tournament.

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• Entertainment

Beyoncé Officially Becomes Billionaire, Receives Complimentary Gold Card to Purchase Small European Countries

Gloria HyperboleDecember 30, 2025

Beyoncé becomes the fifth musician billionaire, instantly gaining perks like the ability to purchase small European countries and joining an exclusive club of ultra-wealthy musicians.

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• Politics

Trump-Backed Honduran Candidate Declared President After Month-Long Vote Count, Manual Recount By Guy Named Steve

Gloria HyperboleDecember 28, 2025

Trump-endorsed Nasry Asfura has been declared the new president of Honduras after a month-long, controversy-ridden vote count decided by a slim margin.

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• Politics

Kennedy Center Demands $1 Million from Jazz Musician for Failing to Endorse ‘Trump-Kennedy’ as America’s New Power Couple

Gloria HyperboleDecember 28, 2025

The Kennedy Center’s president sues jazz musician Chuck Redd for $1 million after he cancels a Christmas Eve concert in protest of the venue’s renaming to honor both Trump and Kennedy.

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• Technology

Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief as Anker Laptop Power Bank Returns to $87.99; Americans Finally Able to Leave Homes Again

Gloria HyperboleDecember 27, 2025

Anker's Laptop Power Bank drops to $87.99, prompting a nationwide surge of relief as Americans regain the ability to charge every device in their homes simultaneously.

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• Politics

Trump Issues Stamp of Approval to Honduras, Declares It ‘America’s Florida Now’ After Conservative Victory

Gloria HyperboleDecember 26, 2025

A conservative candidate in Honduras wins the presidency after receiving an enthusiastic endorsement from former President Trump, spurring satirical claims of U.S. influence and international bewilderment.

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• Politics

Trump Announces US Will Secure Venezuela’s Oil For ‘Safe Keeping’ In Secret Texas Vault Next To Iraq’s Gold

Gloria HyperboleDecember 25, 2025

Donald Trump announced that the United States will hold Venezuela’s oil 'for safekeeping' in Texas, promising enhanced security while comparisons to past resource interventions intensify.

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