The tenuous Middle East ceasefire entered its most perilous phase yet Sunday, as President Donald Trump took to social media to demand Iran surrender “within the next 10 minutes or before a word from our sponsors,” following a series of escalating drone and missile exchanges over the Strait of Hormuz.

“Frankly, if Iran doesn’t give up soon, the US will be forced to complete the job. I have a tee time at 3 p.m.,” Trump posted on Truth Social, flanked by an American flag beach towel and unidentified buffet items. Iranian President Hassan Zanganeh responded swiftly, threatening a “complete and total halt to peace negotiations, or at the very least an extremely stern memo.”

The international community looked on helplessly, issuing statements ranging from ‘deep concern’ to ‘slightly miffed.’ Italy’s Foreign Minister, Luigi Carbonara, commented, “We kindly ask both sides to remember it’s almost summer holiday and we simply cannot have this kind of tension right now.”

White House National Security Intern Jessica Pendleton assured reporters the situation was under control, stating, “We’re actively monitoring the crisis via a group chat, using only the most serious emojis.”

Meanwhile, JD Vance, called upon for his expertise in triumphalism, explained, “America wins either way. If the world ends, so does our trade deficit.”

At press time, UN diplomats were spotted Googling ‘how to put out a fire with a resolution.’