LONDON—After defeating Middlesbrough 1-0 in what economists widely recognize as the planet’s most lucrative sporting event, Hull City were officially declared the United Kingdom’s newest financial superpower Sunday. The Championship playoff final, often called ‘The Billionaire’s Gateway Drug,’ secured Hull a spot in the Premier League and an immediate cash influx large enough to destabilize smaller European economies.

Hull’s victory has already produced seismic ripples across global financial markets. ‘We anticipate Hull’s newfound wealth will allow them to buy several Parisian suburbs, or at the very least, eight new left-backs,’ observed financial analyst Clive Forster, moments before the Hull board purchased a small Greek island during halftime.

Players celebrated by showering themselves in commemorative £20 notes, pausing only for interviews. ‘I’ve just texted my landlord to buy his house,’ said striker Abel Hernández, his mobile phone encased in solid gold. ‘He said I now own the entire block.’

Several neutral fans expressed concern about the financial precedent. ‘It’s weird. For 90 minutes, Hull became more valuable than my country’s annual tourism revenue,’ mused attendee Ingrid Løvenskiold from Norway, who was last seen applying for a job as a Hull City kit manager.

Though the aftermath will take time to settle, Hull have already hired 47 forensic accountants and an offshore tax lawyer to handle their new responsibilities as unwitting oligarchs. Rival teams are reportedly considering converting their stadiums into luxury banks in response.