In an effort to revitalize the war-torn real estate scene, Israeli Defence Minister Yoav Gallant unveiled plans Monday for a new wave of ‘Nahal’ pop-up settlements in Gaza, each promising a unique blend of scenic rubble vistas and exclusive proximity to ongoing military operations. The announcement comes as top commander Maj. Gen. Eyal Eisenberg declared Israel now controls 65% of the Gaza Strip, noting, “It’s officially a seller’s market—if you ignore international law, basic morality, and the sound of distant airstrikes.”

Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich chipped in by allocating over $400 million for West Bank expansion, explaining, “With the elections coming, it’s important for voters to know we’re fully committed to bold, lucrative terraforming, even if it means bulldozing the occasional UN resolution. Also, olive trees take up valuable square footage.”

Asked about the Trump-era ceasefire agreement, coalition spokesperson Rina Goldfarb shrugged, “Honestly, we treat that deal like most Israelis treat biking lanes: it’s there, but nothing says you have to follow it.”

Netanyahu, currently leading the pack in the October elections, lauded the settlements as ‘innovative expressions of national ambition’ and announced a groundbreaking new partnership with Israeli Airbnb, tentatively called ‘SettlerBnB.’ Early reviews report the Wi-Fi is patchy, but the views of checkpoints are ‘stunning.’

As bulldozers rolled in to lay the foundation for Gaza’s trendiest new gated communities, Defense Ministry intern Yossi Ben-Shahar summed up the mood: “We’re not just constructing homes; we’re building the future—one humanitarian crisis at a time.”