SEATTLE, WA — As retailers celebrate the emotional climax of the 27-day-long Prime Day, reports confirm that excitement has reached fever pitch with over 140,000 deals on tiny Bluetooth speakers, lithium-powered screwdrivers, and the SwitchBot Bot, which many experts agree is simply a sticker that presses your other buttons.

Amazon spokesperson Shelley Kurgan, currently living inside an Echo Show 11 for content purposes, assured shoppers, “This is your last chance to grab Philips Hue bulbs at 52% off before they go back to being aggressively overpriced. Please, for the love of god, buy more bulbs.” She then excused herself to review the terms of her NDA.

Among the shoppers frantically refreshing their carts is Mike Flemster, 41, who says he’s spent the past six days hunting for the lowest price on a Kindle Paperwhite. “Sometimes I blink and there’s a new bundle with an origami stand and some mysterious ‘Essentials’ I never thought to desire. I haven’t left this browser tab since Monday. I’m pretty sure my dog ate my wallet, but that’s fine.”

Industry analyst Dr. Carmen Roost called the event “a celebration of our robust, deal-driven democracy, where Americans perform ritual upgrades to tablets and floor mops every July, whether they need them or not.” She then offered condolences to those who ordered the AirPods Max 2 at full price last Tuesday.

Sources indicated that at least three Verge staffers have not slept in four days, subsisting on promotional Red Bulls and the ambient glow of OLED TV markdowns. As one senior editor confirmed via Alexa, “We live only to hunt deals. This roundup is our magnum opus. Look upon my bulk buy of robot vacuums, ye mighty, and despair.”