In a pivotal Western Conference Game 7 of the NBA playoffs, millions of Americans are expected to risk everything—including their relationships, internet security, and law-abiding reputations—just to watch Victor Wembanyama’s San Antonio Spurs battle the Oklahoma City Thunder for a shot at playoff glory, according to several slightly nervous sources close to the situation.

Fans eager to stream the game for free have reportedly exhausted all known legal methods, from taking free trials with email addresses like ‘spursfan9332@yahoo.com’ to attempting to stream the game in 360p from a mysterious website based in the Republic of Moldova. “I’m just trying to watch some basketball without my identity being sold in bulk to Russian hackers,” explained Greg Timmons, who declined to give his real name or the exact number of credit cards he’s already burned through. “My wife keeps asking why the FBI is parked outside. I told her it’s probably unrelated.”

NBA commissioner Adam Silver issued a statement urging restraint. “We encourage fans to pay $79.99 for our exclusive Game 7 experience, which includes four minutes of actual gameplay and three hours of Kia ads,” Silver said. “Please stop googling ‘NBA free stream, no viruses, please help.’ It’s for your own safety.”

Neighborhoods across Texas and Oklahoma are also reporting a concerning spike in awkward HOA meetings, as neighbors bust one another for ‘suspicious antenna activity’ and unexplained surges in Wi-Fi traffic. “We haven’t seen this much backyard dish-fixing since the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident,” said Karen Morelli, president of the San Antonio Hills HOA.

At press time, at least 47 local dads have been indicted for streaming the Spanish-language feed on their garage projectors using their kids’ Minecraft servers.