SACRAMENTO, CA — In a bold move reminiscent of the world’s most determined finger-pointer, California Governor Gavin Newsom held a press conference Tuesday to announce that not only is former President Donald Trump responsible for the federal investigation circling his administration, but also for a recent rash of stubbing his toe, losing WiFi signal, and being issued a $63 parking citation outside Whole Foods.

“Let’s be clear, folks. Every single one of my challenges as governor—whether it’s DOJ scrutiny, an overcooked latte, or the fact that my Peloton keeps buffering—can be traced directly to Donald Trump’s shadowy influence,” Newsom declared to an audience of confused Sacramento journalists. He did not clarify whether Trump had also sabotaged his favorite hair gel.

Despite reports showing the Justice Department’s probe into his associates began while Joe Biden was president, Newsom remained undeterred. “Trump was either president, about to be president again, or at least thinking really hard about being president,” he told reporters. “That’s just science.”

Senior Newsom spokesperson Kelly Myrrh insisted, “You think it’s a coincidence the probe started in 2022? Trump was spotted tweeting that week. Connect the dots, people.”

Meanwhile, political analyst Dr. Clive Merton offered, “If Gavin Newsom ever steps in gum, the former president is likely to blame. There’s virtually no aspect of Newsom’s life untainted by Trumpian meddling, except possibly his hair volume.”

At press time, Newsom reportedly tripped over a garden hose and demanded a full congressional investigation into ‘Trump’s role in garden-hose accessibility.’