WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that President Donald Trump cannot unilaterally cancel birthright citizenship and replace it with a system of ‘Honorary American Certificates’ redeemable only at Trump-branded golf resorts. The ruling comes just days after Trump was sworn in for his second, more eventful term — and immediately issued Executive Order 14000, titled ‘Protecting the Meaning and Value of American Citizenship (And Branding)’.

“We conclude that citizenship, a constitutional right, cannot be awarded exclusively to patrons of Bedminster or Mar-a-Lago,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts, who noted that the 14th Amendment does not reference “comped rounds of golf in Doral.”

White House spokesperson Tiffany Hardwell expressed disappointment: “President Trump believes citizenship should mean something, preferably a membership with exclusive poolside access. The Supreme Court just prefers old paperwork over genuine American spirit and embossed gold cards.”

Loyal supporter and self-proclaimed citizenship expert Ron Gutters praised the alternative plan: “I myself was born in Indiana, but would gladly trade my passport for a three-night stay at Trump International. I mean, who wouldn’t want that?”

Meanwhile, constitutional scholar Dr. Linda Granger mused, “It’s nice to see the Court reaffirm that citizenship remains tied to the fact of being born here, rather than winning a putting contest or buying a MAGA visor.”

Trump, undeterred, has reportedly issued a new executive order declaring every omelet cooked at his New York grill to be ‘all-American by birth.’ Legal experts expect additional litigation.