In a dramatic rebuff to pan-Atlantic innovation, Treasury officials reportedly torpedoed former Defence Secretary John Healey’s ambitious plan for the UK to join a global defence bank, citing concerns over ‘cross-border overdraft charges on fighter jets.’

According to confidential memos leaked by someone who would like a peerage, Healey hoped to pool British defence funds with international partners, creating a central piggy bank from which nations could “withdraw missiles on demand, with no minimum balance.” Treasury officials balked at the idea, worried it could lead to the UK accidentally adopting Eurosaver missiles or, worse, having to split a battleship with Belgium.

“Our fear is that we’ll queue up to withdraw an aircraft carrier, only to discover the French Navy was there first and left us with just a dinghy,” explained Treasury spokesperson Penelope Smidgeon, who spoke on condition she not have to read any more policy documents.

Critics also questioned the bank’s proposed rewards system, which would allegedly allow members to earn ‘NATO Loyalty Points’ for each joint intervention. “The last thing we need is the Germans waving Platinum Defence Cards, cutting in line for the best tanks,” grumbled Rear Admiral Clive Chumley, polishing his collection of commemorative war bonds.

Sources say Healey remains undeterred. “If only the Treasury recognized the value of transnational credit in times of military crisis,” lamented his close ally, Lord Rupert Bilgewater. “We could all have had matching camo debit cards by Christmas.”

The Treasury has offered to reconsider the scheme, provided the first withdrawal comes with a free toaster.