• Economy

Soap Opera-TikTok Hybrids Officially Surpass Human Relationships as Primary Source of Drama

Buck MulliganMarch 26, 2026

Short-form TikTok-inspired soap opera apps have overtaken real life as young Americans' leading source of emotional drama.

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• Economy

Oil Traders Develop Supernatural Ability to Predict Presidential Tweets Moments Before They Happen

Buck MulliganMarch 25, 2026

Oil traders managed to execute lucrative trades just minutes before President Trump announced a major policy shift on Iran, raising questions about their uncanny foresight.

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• Economy

Nation’s Financial Advisers Boldly Recommend ‘Sitting Very Still, Maybe Breathing Into Paper Bag’ Amid Market Volatility

Larry LiteralistMarch 24, 2026

Faced with a turbulent stock market, financial advisers nationwide are recommending that clients do nothing at all—possibly while breathing into a paper bag—until things calm down.

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• Economy

Global Markets Reeling as Experts Struggle to Locate ‘Iran War’ on Map

Buck MulliganMarch 23, 2026

Global markets and Asian economies face turmoil as experts struggle to verify the existence or impact of the so-called Iran War.

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• Economy

Jury Finds Elon Musk Guilty of Devious Plan to Save $44 Billion by Tweeting About Bots, Manages to Harm Only Five Billionaires

Larry LiteralistMarch 22, 2026

A jury found that Elon Musk intentionally misled investors about fake accounts on Twitter to drive down the company’s stock price ahead of his $44 billion acquisition.

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• Economy

UK Regulator Stunned to Discover Mortgage Company Didn’t Actually Have Any Money, Just Vibe and a Suspiciously Nice Yacht

Gloria HyperboleMarch 21, 2026

The FCA launches an investigation into collapsed lender MFS after discovering the company may have promised £1.3bn in mortgages using little more than optimism and a yacht.

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• Economy

Bank of England Considering Raising Interest Rates Every Time Someone Hears the Word ‘Oil’

Gloria HyperboleMarch 20, 2026

The Bank of England signals it may hike interest rates multiple times this year in response to global oil market volatility and Middle East tensions.

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• Economy

Tory Shadow Minister Warns Trafalgar Square Praying May Lead to Epidemic of Public Serenity, Demands Emergency Parliamentary Exorcism

Veronica TruthbombMarch 19, 2026

After a Tory shadow minister called Muslim prayers in Trafalgar Square an 'act of domination,' political leaders descended into farce as they debated emergency measures to prevent outbreaks of public serenity.

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• Economy

Labor Announces Plan To Finally Let Millennials Buy Houses By Forbidding Boomers From Ever Selling Them

Buck MulliganMarch 18, 2026

Labor signals it will reform the capital gains tax discount after a parliamentary inquiry found it contributes to intergenerational inequality in the housing market.

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• Economy

Italian Bank Launches ‘Unfriendly Attack’ on German Rival, Promises to Leave Only Bratwurst and Lederhosen Unmerged

Larry LiteralistMarch 17, 2026

UniCredit escalates its takeover bid for Germany’s Commerzbank, defying Berlin’s opposition and prompting absurd cross-border financial warfare.

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