• Sport

FIFA Assures World ‘Pride Match’ Decision Will Be Made After Consulting Oracle Octopus Paul’s Remains

Buck MulliganDecember 27, 2025

FIFA delays its decision on allowing a World Cup Pride Match, citing the need for supernatural consultation and cultural sensitivity, while ignoring organizers' repeated attempts at contact.

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• Sport

NFL Announces ‘Bring Your Own Quarterback’ Policy for Christmas Day Games After Mass QB Exodus

Buck MulliganDecember 26, 2025

After a rash of quarterback injuries, the NFL announces that teams must select Christmas Day starting QBs from fans and bystanders, transforming the games into a BYOQB event.

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• Sport

NFL Announces Playoff Scenarios Now Require Advanced Calculus, Tarot Cards to Determine

Larry LiteralistDecember 25, 2025

NFL playoff clinching scenarios for Week 17 have become so complex that teams now require math, astrology, and paranormal guidance to determine their postseason fate.

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• Sport

Lucasfilm Announces ‘Rogue One’ Script Finally Locked, Eight Years After Film’s Release

Buck MulliganDecember 24, 2025

Lucasfilm finally completes the official 'Rogue One' script eight years after the film's release, following revelations that the original script was never finished during production.

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• Sport

Rugby League Celebrates Tradition of Disbanding, Rebranding, and Hoping No One Notices

Buck MulliganDecember 23, 2025

The Rugby Football League has granted Championship status to a newly created Salford rugby club, just weeks after dissolving the old team.

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• Sport

Nation’s Ex-Coaches Now Earning More From Teams They Abandoned Than Current Employers

Larry LiteralistDecember 22, 2025

Lane Kiffin earns a $250,000 bonus after his former team wins, highlighting the NCAA trend of coaches profiting more from teams they no longer coach than from their current employers.

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• Sport

Seattle Mariners Pitcher Who Made Being a Trade Footnote a Fine Art Leaves Baseball World Wondering Who Will Now Be Included in Blockbuster Deals

Penny PunchlineDecember 21, 2025

Former Seattle Mariners pitcher Mike Campbell, best remembered as the forgotten player included in the trade for Randy Johnson, has died at age 61.

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• Sport

Caleb Williams Skips Media Obligations, Claims ‘Zoom Was Buffering, Please Try Again Later’

Chester P. NonsenseDecember 20, 2025

Chicago Bears rookie Caleb Williams skipped two scheduled ESPN pregame media meetings, blaming technical issues, as NFL announcers and network staff express mounting exasperation.

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• Sport

L.A. Siblings Broaden Definition of ‘Sharing’: Rams Star’s Brother Allegedly Borrows Lakers Player’s SUV Without Asking, Promises to Fill Up the Tank Later

Penny PunchlineDecember 19, 2025

Samson Nacua, brother of L.A. Rams star Puka Nacua, was arrested for allegedly stealing a Lakers player's SUV in West Hollywood.

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• Sport

Garmin Unveils New Watch That Can Track Your Steps, Heart Rate, and Slowly Erode All Joy From Your Life

Gloria HyperboleDecember 18, 2025

Garmin's new smartwatch, the Forerunner Existential 970, offers advanced fitness tracking, existential reminders, and most positive features locked behind a paywall.

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