• Economy

Trump Unveils Bold New Strategy: “If You Can’t Buy Europe, Just Turn It Off and On Again”

Larry LiteralistDecember 16, 2025

Donald Trump unveiled a new strategy to break and reboot the European Union, citing regulatory frustrations and the support of Silicon Valley and the far right.

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• Economy

Rothschild Family Feud Threatens To Split Louvre In Half Like Solomon’s Baby, Art Historians Bracing For Picasso Custody Battle

Penny PunchlineDecember 15, 2025

Long-simmering inheritance tensions in the Rothschild family have erupted into a court battle over an enormous art collection, with rival baronesses Nadine and Ariane de Rothschild fighting for control over the Swiss chateau’s priceless trove.

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• Economy

Americans Gleefully Exchange Festive IOUs as Student Loan Debt Replaces Christmas Presents

Gloria HyperboleDecember 14, 2025

Student loan debt forces Americans to replace holiday gifts with IOUs, debt-themed decorations, and creative austerity measures.

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• Economy

Belgian PM Meets Keir Starmer to Brainstorm Creative Uses for Frozen Russian Assets—‘Giant Waffle Iron’ Among Leading Ideas

Chester P. NonsenseDecember 13, 2025

Belgium's Prime Minister and the UK's Keir Starmer met in London to brainstorm creative ways to use Russia's frozen assets, while Russia sues Euroclear over holding the funds.

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• Economy

Government Defends Business-Class Flights: ‘Public Servants Need Reclining Seats to Properly Consider Value for Money’

Buck MulliganDecember 12, 2025

The government rejected recommendations to limit business-class flight privileges for public servants, emphasizing that taxpayer value is best secured from reclining seats.

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• Economy

Economists Suggest Wearing Flapper Dresses, Prohibition to Prevent Another Great Depression

Chester P. NonsenseDecember 11, 2025

Leading economists propose reviving 1929-era practices like flapper fashion and Prohibition to prevent a modern economic crisis.

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• Economy

China Relieved to Learn Trillion-Dollar Trade Surplus Can at Least Buy Enough Bubble Wrap for 2025 Shipments

Penny PunchlineDecember 10, 2025

China’s record trade surplus surpasses $1 trillion, prompting officials to celebrate their ability to buy more packing materials while quietly worrying about their overwhelming dependence on foreign markets.

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• Economy

US Sanctions Now So Effective Venezuelan Economy Relying on Sale of Used Toothpicks, Hopes and Dreams

Veronica TruthbombDecember 9, 2025

With US sanctions intensifying, Venezuela shifts its economic focus to trading used toothpicks, expired candles, and collective optimism as the backbone of its national GDP.

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• Economy

Queensland Museum’s Climate Curriculum Sponsored by Shell Reveals Shocking New Cause of Global Warming: ‘Mysterious Hot Air’

Buck MulliganDecember 8, 2025

Queensland Museum’s Shell-sponsored education program omits fossil fuel burning as a major cause of climate change, instead attributing global warming to 'mysterious hot air' and other ambiguous factors.

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• Economy

Financial Markets Now Certain RBA Will Hike Rates in 2026, Begin Placing Bets on Outcome of 2028 Olympics

Larry LiteralistDecember 7, 2025

Financial markets have reached total certainty that the Reserve Bank of Australia will raise interest rates in 2026, spurring confusion, anxiety, and speculative betting across the nation.

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