• Sport

Australia’s Top Athletes Demand National Royal Commission Into Everything Bad, Just In Case

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 5, 2026

More than 60 Australian athletes sign an open letter demanding a federal royal commission into antisemitism, radicalisation, and anything else they think is a 'national crisis.'

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• Sport

Notre Dame Coach Attempts Citizen’s Arrest On Referee Following Call, Demands Immediate Review By Supreme Court

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 4, 2026

Notre Dame coach Micah Shrewsberry chases down and attempts to detain a basketball referee after a controversial call in a dramatic postgame incident.

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• Sport

Lane Kiffin Earns Million-Dollar Bonus for Heroic Effort of Not Actively Coaching Team to Victory

Penny PunchlineJanuary 3, 2026

Former Ole Miss coach Lane Kiffin stands to receive up to $1 million in bonuses as his old team advances through the College Football Playoff without his involvement.

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• Sport

NFL Approves Plan For Browns, Dolphins, Jets To Share Single Playbook Titled ‘Hope & Despair’

Buck MulliganJanuary 2, 2026

The NFL has announced that the Browns, Dolphins, and Jets will share a single communal playbook, combining their decades of football futility into one unified strategy.

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• Sport

Buccaneers Head Coach Criticizes Baker Mayfield, Suggests ‘Maybe Just Try Throwing To Our Team Instead’

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 1, 2026

Buccaneers head coach Todd Bowles openly questions quarterback Baker Mayfield’s tactics as the team faces playoff elimination, suggesting radical measures to improve passing accuracy.

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• Sport

Russia Achieves Tireless Resistance: Michelin Tyres Reach Moscow Disguised as ‘French Baguettes’

Larry LiteralistDecember 31, 2025

Despite international sanctions, Russia continues to import Michelin aviation tyres via intermediary companies by disguising them as French baguettes, customs records suggest.

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• Sport

‘Battle Of The Sexes’ Tennis Match Fails To Cure Gender Relations Forever, Fans Outraged

Veronica TruthbombDecember 30, 2025

Fans express disappointment after the hyped 'Battle of the Sexes' tennis match between Nick Kyrgios and Aryna Sabalenka fails to resolve all gender issues or live up to its billing as a historic showdown.

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• Sport

Tennis World Divided As ‘Battle of the Sexes’ Rematch Decides Once and For All Who’s Allowed to Complain About the Ball Toss

Chester P. NonsenseDecember 29, 2025

Aryna Sabalenka and Nick Kyrgios face off in Dubai to determine, once and for all, which gender can claim ultimate authority over tennis-related complaints.

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• Sport

Giants’ Malik Nabers Stars in New Ad Campaign Teaching Children How to Disappoint Fantasy Football Owners Early

Veronica TruthbombDecember 28, 2025

Giants wide receiver Malik Nabers stars in a new ad campaign jokingly teaching kids the art of season-ending injuries and disappointing fantasy football owners.

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• Sport

FIFA Assures World ‘Pride Match’ Decision Will Be Made After Consulting Oracle Octopus Paul’s Remains

Buck MulliganDecember 27, 2025

FIFA delays its decision on allowing a World Cup Pride Match, citing the need for supernatural consultation and cultural sensitivity, while ignoring organizers' repeated attempts at contact.

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