• Politics

Judge Demands Trump Administration Pinky-Swear $1.8 Billion Slush Fund Is Really, Actually, Totally Dead This Time

Veronica TruthbombJune 13, 2026

A federal judge remains unconvinced that the Trump administration has scrapped a $1.8 billion fund, demanding sworn statements and additional assurances before lifting a court block.

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• Politics

Tech Journalist Breaks Century-Long Fast, Touches Mythical ‘Trump Phone’ After 11 Months in the Wilderness

Penny PunchlineJune 13, 2026

A tech journalist claims to have finally touched the long-rumored Trump Phone, ending months of speculation about its existence.

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• Politics

Federal Judge Affirms Trump’s Right to Host ‘UFC Freedom 250’ at White House, Cites ‘Founders’ Intent to See Some Gnarly Knockouts’

Gloria HyperboleJune 13, 2026

A federal judge ruled that Donald Trump may legally host the UFC Freedom 250 mixed martial arts event on White House grounds, dismissing objections from Virginia residents.

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• Politics

Trump Vows to Conquer Obscure Iranian Island, Promises to Rename It ‘Very Best Incredible Trump Beach Resort’

Larry LiteralistJune 12, 2026

Donald Trump announced plans to seize Iran's Kharg Island and transform it into a luxury Trump resort, despite lacking any current governmental authority.

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• Politics

Trump DHS Official Demands Biden Administration Literally Move Heaven, Hell, and Possibly Purgatory for Migrant Child Warnings

Larry LiteralistJune 12, 2026

Former Trump DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin accuses the Biden administration of ignoring migrant child abuse warnings and demands they take extraordinary, supernatural action.

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• Politics

Democrat Firefighter Declared ‘Schrödinger’s Candidate’ After Simultaneously Supporting and Opposing Trump Overtime Policy

Buck MulliganJune 12, 2026

Democratic candidate Bob Brooks criticized a Trump overtime tax break despite his firefighters union's support, leading to accusations of political flip-flopping.

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• Politics

Trump Promises Daily Airstrikes on Iran Until Peace Deal Signed or He Gets Bored, Whichever Comes First

Veronica TruthbombJune 11, 2026

Donald Trump announces daily airstrikes on Iran will continue until a peace deal is reached or he loses interest.

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• Politics

Trump Appoints Random Rich Guy From Twitter to Gut Intelligence Agencies, Promises to Find Someone Who’s Actually Heard of the CIA Later

Veronica TruthbombJune 11, 2026

Donald Trump has appointed Bill Pulte, a Twitter philanthropist, to temporarily downsize U.S. intelligence agencies while promising to find a qualified director later.

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• Politics

Democrats Unite Behind Guy Vaguely Heard Of in Maine, While GOP Shocked to Learn Trump Still Exists

Larry LiteralistJune 11, 2026

Graham Platner wins the Maine Democratic Senate primary, rallying the enthusiastic support of Democrats still learning his name, while Trump-backed Republicans reassert dominance in other state primaries.

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• Politics

Judge Rules Alleged Train Killer Unfit for Trial, But Still Absolutely Fit for Charlotte Public Transit

Buck MulliganJune 10, 2026

A man accused of a fatal stabbing on a Charlotte train has been found incompetent to stand trial but, according to authorities, is otherwise fit for public transit.

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