• Technology

Experian Assures Worried Americans: ‘Our All-Seeing Database Is Only Mildly Omniscient’

Larry LiteralistJanuary 27, 2026

Experian reassures the public that its massive data collection is for their own good, emphasizing that opting out is always an option—provided you don't mind living completely off the grid.

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• Technology

Nation Breathlessly Awaiting Presidents Day Megasale Settles For Mildly Discounted USB-C Adapter To Fill Void In Soul

Penny PunchlineJanuary 26, 2026

Americans, desperate for meaning during the pre-holiday sales lull, are buying slightly discounted travel adapters, microSD cards, and TVs that pretend to be art to fill the void until Presidents Day deals arrive.

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• Technology

Google Unveils ‘Chromebook Cradle to Grave’ Loyalty Program: Earn Lifetime Brand Points for Each Year in School

Buck MulliganJanuary 25, 2026

Internal documents reveal Google's plan to secure lifelong customer loyalty by integrating Chromebooks into classrooms and rewarding students for exclusive ecosystem participation.

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• Technology

Americans Rush to Buy Discounted AirPods Pro 3, Hoping Noise Cancellation Will Drown Out Their Existential Dread

Veronica TruthbombJanuary 24, 2026

Apple's AirPods Pro 3 spark nationwide buying frenzy after going on sale for $199.99, as Americans anxiously seek relief from reality via top-tier noise cancellation.

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• Technology

Google Acquires Hume AI To Finally Teach Assistant How To Understand Sarcastic Requests For Pizza

Chester P. NonsenseJanuary 23, 2026

Google has hired the CEO and top engineer from Hume AI to improve Google Assistant’s ability to understand human emotions and sarcasm during voice commands.

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• Technology

Nation Holds Breath As Man Decides Between Glossy Or Matte Switch 2 Screen Protector

Veronica TruthbombJanuary 22, 2026

A local man's agonizing indecision over Switch 2 screen protector finishes has captivated observers and highlighted America's growing obsession with trivial consumer choices.

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• Technology

Corsair Releases $159 Keyboard So Responsive It Registers Thoughts Before Fingers Move

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 21, 2026

Corsair’s new Hall effect keyboard is so advanced and affordable that gamers claim it registers keystrokes and even thoughts before fingers move.

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• Technology

Razer CEO Confirms Gamers Will Love AI As Soon As They Finish Screaming About It Online

Penny PunchlineJanuary 20, 2026

Razer CEO Min-Liang Tan insists gamers will love AI in gaming after they recover from their current phase of furious resistance, unveiling a talking anime hologram powered by Grok at CES.

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• Technology

Americans Flock to Best Buy Winter Sale to Save $900 on TV, Promptly Spend $1,500 on New TV

Penny PunchlineJanuary 19, 2026

Americans eagerly rush to spend thousands on deeply discounted electronics at Best Buy’s Winter Sale, celebrating their savings while racking up new purchases.

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• Technology

Millions Flock to Apple Stores for Chance to Save $50 on Device That Will Be Obsolete By Next Keynote

Chester P. NonsenseJanuary 18, 2026

Shoppers nationwide rush to snag modest discounts on the latest nearly-identical MacBooks before they’re rendered obsolete by Apple’s next product announcement.

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