• Technology

Elon Musk Sues OpenAI for Remembering His ‘Nonprofit Feelings,’ Demands Compensation in Pure, Uncut Altruism

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 17, 2026

Elon Musk’s lawsuit against OpenAI, accusing the company of abandoning its nonprofit roots, will proceed to a jury trial over what Musk calls 'forgotten vibes' and 'unmet altruism quotas.'

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• Technology

Google Announces Fitbit Premium Ultra Max: Now Tracks Your Steps, Sins, and Thoughts—For $79.88 a Year!

Chester P. NonsenseJanuary 16, 2026

Google launches the Fitbit Premium Ultra Max, a fitness tracker that now monitors users’ physical activity, thoughts, and psychological shortcomings, and requires multiple Google logins to operate.

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• Technology

Google Promises Gemini AI Will Know You Better Than Your Own Mother, Promises To Judge You Less

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 15, 2026

Google has announced that its Gemini AI will use data from users’ Gmail, Search, Google Photos, and YouTube history to provide hyper-personalized responses.

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• Technology

Apple and Google Announce Monogamous AI Relationship, Vow to Only Gaslight Users Together From Now On

Veronica TruthbombJanuary 14, 2026

Apple has announced an exclusive partnership with Google's Gemini AI to power Siri, ending speculation about its AI provider and promising a new era of seamless user confusion.

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• Technology

Apple Outsources All Intelligence to Google, Siri Now Only Hums ‘I’m a Little Teapot’ on Its Own

Veronica TruthbombJanuary 13, 2026

Apple will replace Siri’s intelligence with Google’s Gemini AI, marking a major partnership between the two tech giants.

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• Technology

Nation’s Health To Skyrocket After Mass Purchase Of $84 Fitness Trackers, Immediately Destroyed By $11 Blu-rays And Couch Gravity

Penny PunchlineJanuary 12, 2026

Americans' health briefly surges after mass purchase of discounted fitness trackers but plummets as citizens immediately succumb to Blu-ray deals and marathon movie sessions.

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• Technology

Nation’s Self-Esteem Hangs in Balance as $84 Fitness Tracker and $11 Blu-ray Both Go on Sale, Prompting Mass Identity Crisis

Veronica TruthbombJanuary 11, 2026

Consumers nationwide struggle to choose between discounted fitness trackers promising transformation and cheap Blu-rays guaranteeing inertia, triggering mass indecision and existential dread.

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• Technology

Congress Urges Tech Giants to Remove App That Mistakes Privacy for a Clothing Option

Veronica TruthbombJanuary 10, 2026

Democratic senators demand Apple and Google remove X's AI undressing bot for generating explicit images without consent, sparking tech industry confusion and awkward apologies.

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• Technology

LinkedIn Reinstates AI Startup After CEO Assures Bots ‘Will Only Network Respectfully’

Larry LiteralistJanuary 9, 2026

LinkedIn has allowed AI startup Artisan back on its platform after assurances that its bots will limit their networking to more 'respectful' levels.

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• Technology

CES 2026 Unveils Smart Toothpick That Analyzes Secrets Of Your Dinner Conversation

Chester P. NonsenseJanuary 8, 2026

CES 2026 features the MindPick, a Bluetooth-enabled smart toothpick that analyzes both users' oral hygiene and table conversation habits, alongside other AI-powered gadgets.

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