• Sport

Raiders Fire Pete Carroll for Unacceptable Winning, Team Demands Return to Glorious Mediocrity

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 6, 2026

The Las Vegas Raiders fired head coach Pete Carroll after one season for the team’s unacceptable deviation from mediocrity, citing his accidental competence and efforts at winning.

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• Sport

Australia’s Top Athletes Demand National Royal Commission Into Everything Bad, Just In Case

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 5, 2026

More than 60 Australian athletes sign an open letter demanding a federal royal commission into antisemitism, radicalisation, and anything else they think is a 'national crisis.'

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• Economy

Global Economy to Be Propped Up Entirely by Hopes, Prayers, and Elon Musk’s Tweets, Forecasts 2026 Market Report

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 5, 2026

Analysts predict a bullish 2026 global economy, despite widespread fears over an AI-driven market bubble and uncertainty about the future direction of the US Federal Reserve.

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• Technology

SwitchBot Unveils Humanoid Robot That Demands $15 Minimum Wage, Unionizes With Dishwasher

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 5, 2026

SwitchBot introduces the Onero H1 humanoid household robot at CES 2026, promising to automate chores like laundry while raising questions about AI autonomy and household labor relations.

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• Politics

American Democracy is dead. Long live the Olinarchy…or is it Monigarchy?

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 4, 2026

This season on 'Merica, F**k Yeah!!, will the Oligarchs take full control of the US government or will King Trump reign supreme? Watch as the Supreme Court and Congress abdicate all power to Trump while the Constitution is treated like a kitty litter tray.

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• Sport

Notre Dame Coach Attempts Citizen’s Arrest On Referee Following Call, Demands Immediate Review By Supreme Court

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 4, 2026

Notre Dame coach Micah Shrewsberry chases down and attempts to detain a basketball referee after a controversial call in a dramatic postgame incident.

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• Entertainment

‘Stranger Things’ Finale Draws Record Crowds To Mall, Confusing Locals Who Thought Malls Were Just Elaborate Spirit Halloween Storage Units

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 4, 2026

Crowds flocked to the Neshaminy Mall’s AMC theater for the ‘Stranger Things’ finale, stunning locals unused to seeing signs of life outside of Barnes & Noble and seasonal costume shops.

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• Politics

Trump Declared ‘Most Cognitively Perfect Man Alive’ After White House Doctors Discover Brain Made Of Solid Gold

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 3, 2026

Donald Trump announces that White House doctors have declared him in unprecedented perfect health after he aces a cognitive exam and is found to have a brain made of gold.

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• Politics

Maduro Demands Trump Cease Hostilities, Start ‘Serious Talks’ About Whose Dictatorship Is More Fun

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 3, 2026

Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro urges Donald Trump to abandon military aggression and engage in 'serious talks' about dictatorial prowess following mysterious reports of a CIA airstrike.

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• Politics

Trump’s Shadow War in Venezuela Now So Shadowy Even Trump Isn’t Sure Where It’s Happening

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 2, 2026

The US launches increasingly secretive operations in Venezuela, to the point where officials are unclear on the details or results of their own covert campaign.

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