• Politics

Trump Warns Iran: ‘If You Keep Violating Ceasefire, I’ll Have No Choice But To Finally Finish That Nuke Button Installation’

Gloria HyperboleJuly 3, 2026

President Trump threatens Iran with total annihilation following renewed attacks and escalating rhetoric, as both nations accuse each other of violating a tenuous ceasefire in the Gulf.

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• Politics

Trump Explains $1.2 Billion Crypto Earnings: ‘I Have No Idea Where My Money Is, But It’s Doing Fantastic Things’

Larry LiteralistJuly 2, 2026

Donald Trump shrugs off concerns about earning $1.2 billion from cryptocurrency, claiming total financial ignorance while praising his success and the mysterious handlers of his fortune.

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• Politics

US, Iran Enter Heated Game of Global Thermonuclear Chicken; Winner Gets to Keep the Strait of Hormuz

Buck MulliganJuly 2, 2026

The US and Iran exchanged military strikes and threats of annihilation, escalating tensions in the Gulf amid mutual accusations of violating a ceasefire.

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• Politics

Trump Becomes First Sitting President to Launch Own Cryptocurrency, Names Fiat ‘Sad and Weak’

Penny PunchlineJuly 2, 2026

President Trump is revealed to have earned over $2 billion in his first year back in office, largely through personal cryptocurrency schemes, prompting concerns from lawmakers.

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• Politics

Supreme Court Declares Money Just ‘Very Enthusiastic Speech,’ Opens Door for Unlimited Shouting Into Politicians’ Ears

Chester P. NonsenseJuly 1, 2026

The Supreme Court strikes down limits on campaign spending, declaring that money constitutes free speech and paving the way for unlimited political contributions.

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• Politics

Trump Vows To End Birthright Citizenship By Repealing 14th Amendment With ‘Even Bigger Sharpie’

Larry LiteralistJuly 1, 2026

Trump pledges to abolish birthright citizenship by presenting Congress with an oversized Sharpie to edit the Constitution after the Supreme Court rules against his executive order.

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• Politics

Supreme Court Dashes Trump’s Plan To Replace Birthright Citizenship With ‘Honorary American Certificates’ From His Golf Courses

Chester P. NonsenseJuly 1, 2026

The Supreme Court struck down President Trump's executive order attempting to end birthright citizenship, reaffirming that anyone born on U.S. soil is a citizen.

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• Politics

Supreme Court Declares Mail-In Ballots Valid If Arriving Before Next Election, Republicans Demand Votes Be Delivered by Carrier Pigeon

Chester P. NonsenseJune 30, 2026

The Supreme Court ruled that mail-in ballots arriving after Election Day but postmarked on time must be counted, rejecting a Republican effort to limit those votes.

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• Politics

Supreme Court Rules President Now Permitted to Fire Any Federal Employee, Barista, or Disappointing Umpire at Will

Veronica TruthbombJune 30, 2026

The Supreme Court rules that the president now has sweeping authority to fire any federal regulator at will, alarming critics who warn of unchecked executive power.

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• Politics

Supreme Court Allows Trump to Declare ‘You’re Fired!’ to Entire Federal Workforce At Once

Veronica TruthbombJune 30, 2026

The Supreme Court authorizes the president to fire leaders of all independent agencies at will, effectively turning Washington into a live-action reality show.

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