• Sport

Red Sox Retrospectively Awarded World Series Title for ‘Excellence in Navigating Hostile Workplace’

Buck MulliganFebruary 14, 2026

Boston Red Sox players reportedly endured firearm threats from a teammate during their 2018 championship season, with team officials crediting the ordeal for boosting clubhouse unity.

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• Sport

Manchester United Co-Owner Apologizes for Immigration Remarks, Clarifies He Meant ‘Colonized by Liverpool Fans’

Larry LiteralistFebruary 13, 2026

Manchester United co-owner Jim Ratcliffe apologized for controversial immigration remarks, clarifying he was actually referring to the influx of rival football fans in Manchester.

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• Sport

New Switch 2 Feature Lets You Ruin Friendships by Screaming During Survival Horror, Study Finds

Penny PunchlineFebruary 12, 2026

Nintendo’s Switch 2 GameShare feature has turned the tense survival horror game Tokyo Scramble into a multiplayer comedy, with players sabotaging each other and escalating family feuds nationwide.

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• Sport

NFL Fears Invasion By British Coaches After Aden Durde Proves Ability To Understand ‘Proper Football’

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 11, 2026

A British coach's historic Super Bowl win sparks panic across the NFL over a possible wave of tea-drinking, metric-embracing British coaching imports.

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• Sport

Super Bowl Champion Barry Wilburn Heroically Forgets That Stop, Drop, and Roll Isn’t for Winning Championships

Larry LiteralistFebruary 10, 2026

Super Bowl champion Barry Wilburn dies in a house fire after reportedly using football strategies instead of standard fire safety protocols.

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• Sport

Washington Post Declares Super Bowl ‘Void’ Without Colin Kaepernick, Suggests Halftime Show Replace Game

Gloria HyperboleFebruary 9, 2026

The Washington Post published a lengthy Super Bowl article lamenting Colin Kaepernick’s absence, leading to intense social media backlash and calls to replace the game with tributes.

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• Sport

Michael Bay Sues Cadillac for Using Explosions, Fast Cars, and America in Super Bowl Ad, Cites Trademark on ‘Loud Stuff Going Fast’

Larry LiteralistFebruary 8, 2026

Director Michael Bay sues Cadillac for allegedly stealing his patented style of explosions and fast cars in their Super Bowl commercial.

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• Sport

Russian Figure Skating Coach Returns to Olympics, Promises ‘Only Homeopathic Amounts of Doping’ This Time

Penny PunchlineFebruary 7, 2026

Former Russian figure skating coach Eteri Tutberidze returns to the 2026 Winter Olympics, promising a clean slate despite her past involvement in doping scandals.

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• Sport

Americans Discover Rugby Exists After Accidentally Leaving NBC On After the Curling Semi-Finals

Larry LiteralistFebruary 6, 2026

Millions of Americans unknowingly discover rugby while leaving their TVs tuned to NBC after the Winter Olympics coverage, prompting confusion and unexpected exposure for the Six Nations Championship.

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• Sport

Matt Hasselbeck Offers Groundbreaking Super Bowl Advice: ‘Try Not To Lose, If Possible’

Veronica TruthbombFebruary 5, 2026

Former quarterback Matt Hasselbeck delivers unconventional Super Bowl advice to Sam Darnold and Drake Maye, focusing on hydration strategy, coin toss etiquette, and locker-room nachos.

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