• Technology

SwitchBot Unveils Humanoid Robot That Demands $15 Minimum Wage, Unionizes With Dishwasher

Gloria HyperboleJanuary 5, 2026

SwitchBot introduces the Onero H1 humanoid household robot at CES 2026, promising to automate chores like laundry while raising questions about AI autonomy and household labor relations.

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• Technology

Meta Quest 3S Now Cheaper Than Escaping Reality With Starbucks Habit, Includes Gift Card to Buy More Virtual Regret

Penny PunchlineJanuary 4, 2026

Meta slashes Quest 3S headset price and throws in a $50 Amazon gift card, letting customers escape reality—and their savings—at unprecedented discounts.

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• Technology

Satya Nadella Launches AI Blog, Promises Weekly Updates on ‘Slop vs. Not-Slop’ Developments

Buck MulliganJanuary 3, 2026

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella announces a new blog to discuss 'slop vs. sophistication' in AI, promising weekly updates on the evolving state of artificial intelligence.

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• Technology

Nation Grateful To Save $700 On Robot Vacuum, Spend It On Therapy After X50 Ultra Announcement

Chester P. NonsenseJanuary 2, 2026

Americans celebrate saving $700 on a robot vacuum, only to immediately regret their purchase upon learning a newer, better version is already out.

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• Technology

Luxury Vacuum Now Cheaper Than Therapy, Promises to Remove Emotional Baggage Along With Dust

Larry LiteralistJanuary 1, 2026

The Dreame X40 Ultra robot vacuum goes on sale for $503, with users discovering it not only cleans floors but offers existential comfort at a fraction of the price of therapy.

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• Technology

Americans Announce Plan to Live Entirely Off Portable Battery Until Infrastructure Improves

Larry LiteralistDecember 31, 2025

Americans are increasingly adopting portable backup batteries as a permanent solution to unreliable power grids, opting to live off devices like the Anker 521 PowerHouse.

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• Technology

Americans Flock to $180 Earbuds with Flexible Wing Tips in Desperate Attempt to Manifest 2026 Fitness Resolutions Early

Veronica TruthbombDecember 30, 2025

New Powerbeats Fit earbuds with flexible wing tips spark national frenzy as consumers hope high-tech accessories will finally motivate them to keep fitness promises.

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• Technology

Americans Celebrate ‘Sacred Week of Deal Worship’ By Upgrading Phones They Bought Two Months Ago

Veronica TruthbombDecember 29, 2025

During the post-Christmas deal frenzy, Americans rush to upgrade their electronics yet again, spurred by existential dread, price drops, and a pervasive sense that buying discounted goods is the true meaning of the season.

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• Technology

Microsoft’s Majorana 1 Quantum Computer: The Ultimate Breakthrough in Announcing Nonexistent Things

Larry LiteralistDecember 28, 2025

Microsoft has unveiled Majorana 1, a quantum computer so cutting-edge it simultaneously advances science and the art of declaring products that do not yet exist. This heralds a new era where corporate announcements for flying pigs and other mythical innovations are, at last, officially sanctioned.

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• Technology

Americans Celebrate Week Between Christmas and New Year’s by Panic-Buying Discount Phones, Power Banks, and Mario Games They’ll Instantly Lose in Couch

Larry LiteralistDecember 28, 2025

Americans desperately buy discounted gadgets and Nintendo games during the lull between holidays, hoping to distract themselves until the new year.

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