• Politics

Nation Struggles to Keep Hope Alive as Jesse Jackson’s Hope-Keeping License Expires with His Death

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 18, 2026

Following Jesse Jackson’s death, political leaders and organizations scramble to address the nation’s sudden shortage of licensed hope-keepers.

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• Politics

Texas GOP Senate Primary Descends Into Mayhem As Trump Dramatically Refuses to Bless Anyone With Holy Endorsement

Gloria HyperboleFebruary 18, 2026

Donald Trump refuses to endorse any GOP Senate primary candidates in Texas, leaving the race in chaos as contenders desperately seek his approval.

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• Politics

Texas GOP Hopeful Proudly Purchases Epstein’s Ranch, Vows To Restore ‘Traditional American Values’ To Scene Of International Scandal

Larry LiteralistFebruary 17, 2026

Texas Republican candidate Donald Huffines purchased Jeffrey Epstein’s New Mexico ranch, promising to revamp its reputation with traditional family events and a new name.

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• Politics

Billionaire Trump Donor Moves Plant Overseas To China In Powerful Stand Against Companies That Move Plants Overseas To China

Larry LiteralistFebruary 17, 2026

John Paulson, a billionaire Trump donor and vocal critic of offshoring, announced the closure of his Ohio plant and the move of production to China, sparking outrage among workers.

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• Politics

Ukraine, Russia Agree to Attend Second Round of Talks So Western Leaders Have Something to Post About on Instagram

Gloria HyperboleFebruary 17, 2026

Ukrainian and Russian officials meet in Switzerland for a second round of talks brokered by the US, with little expectation for peace but high hopes for improved social media presence.

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• Politics

U.S. Government Responds to Epstein Scandal by Shrugging and Yelling ‘Look, a Squirrel!’

Buck MulliganFebruary 16, 2026

As other countries press for accountability in the Epstein scandal, the Trump administration distracts critics with bizarre non-sequiturs and public displays of indifference.

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• Politics

Trump Unveils White House Ballroom Renderings Featuring Gold-Plated Rotunda, Moat, and Giant Crystal Portrait of Himself

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 16, 2026

Donald Trump released renderings of a proposed $400 million White House ballroom featuring outlandish luxury touches, sparking both controversy and confusion.

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• Politics

Trump Administration Reveals Bold Plan To Save Money On Climate Change By No Longer Counting It

Penny PunchlineFebruary 16, 2026

The Trump administration announces its plan to save $1.3 trillion by removing all calculations of climate-related costs from federal policy, despite evidence the move will increase prices and emissions.

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• Politics

U.S. Promises ‘All-Inclusive’ Return Trip for Venezuelan Deportees, Featuring Airport Spa and Complimentary Due Process

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 15, 2026

A U.S. judge has ordered the government to fund the return of Venezuelan deportees from El Salvador so they can fight their immigration cases in court.

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• Politics

Congress Celebrates 10-Day Break By Shutting Down 13% of Government Nobody Remembers Exists

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 15, 2026

A partial government shutdown affecting 13% of federal workers is expected to last at least 10 days as Congress heads out on vacation, causing minor inconvenience and widespread confusion over what exactly those agencies do.

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