• Politics

Trump Threatens to Build Wall on Top of Canadian-Funded Bridge, Demands Hockey Tariffs

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 12, 2026

Donald Trump threatens to block a Canada-funded international bridge and imposes imaginary hockey tariffs, sparking new diplomatic absurdities.

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• Politics

Texas Family Finally Settles Decade-Long ‘Who’s the Real Patriot?’ Debate With Firearms, as Founding Fathers Intended

Chester P. NonsenseFebruary 12, 2026

A Texas man allegedly shot his daughter after a political argument about Donald Trump, with a grand jury declining to indict as UK authorities investigate.

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• Politics

Conservatives Outraged After Super Bowl Halftime Show Fails to Feature Lee Greenwood, American Flag, or Plate of Cheeseburgers

Gloria HyperboleFebruary 12, 2026

Conservative commentators express outrage over the Super Bowl Halftime Show featuring Bad Bunny instead of traditional patriotic displays, prompting fears that MAGA is becoming thin-skinned and possibly even 'woke.'

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• Politics

Susan Collins Announces Re-Election Bid, Promises To Occasionally Feel Bad About Something Again

Veronica TruthbombFebruary 11, 2026

Senator Susan Collins launches her re-election campaign by promising to continue her tradition of moderate indecision and looking deeply concerned about political issues.

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• Politics

Congress Grills DHS on New Plan to Fund Border Security Via Bake Sales, Loose Change Found in Couch Cushions

Penny PunchlineFebruary 11, 2026

Lawmakers demanded answers as DHS officials proposed funding border security with bake sales and spare change due to stalled Congressional negotiations.

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• Politics

Trump Demands Canada Pay for Both Bridge and 40 Years of NHL Overtime Losses Before Allowing Any More Mounties Across Border

Buck MulliganFebruary 11, 2026

Donald Trump threatens to block the new bridge between the US and Canada unless Canada compensates America for years of NHL losses and bridge costs, while claiming Canadians might soon be banned from playing hockey.

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• Politics

French Riot Police Shocked to Learn ‘Beating Protesters’ Is Not Part of Job Description

Penny PunchlineFebruary 10, 2026

Nine French riot police officers have gone on trial in Paris, accused of beating peaceful 'yellow vest' protesters during the 2018 demonstrations.

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• Politics

Congressman Demands Commerce Secretary Resign for Failing to Disclose ‘I Accidentally Knew Epstein’ on Ethics Forms

Gloria HyperboleFebruary 10, 2026

Rep. Thomas Massie calls for Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick to resign for failing to disclose any possible connection—however tenuous—to Jeffrey Epstein, sparking a federal panic over secondary acquaintances.

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• Politics

Ofcom Announces New Policy: ‘If It’s on GB News, It’s Probably a Prank Show, So Why Bother?’

Buck MulliganFebruary 10, 2026

After refusing to investigate Donald Trump’s disputed claims on GB News, Ofcom clarifies that it now treats the channel’s content as ‘performance art’ rather than factual broadcasting.

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• Politics

Elon Musk Launches $10 Billion ‘Rocket-Powered Democracy’ Fund to Ensure Congress Remains in Capable Capitalist Hands

Buck MulliganFebruary 9, 2026

Elon Musk sharply increases his political donations to Republican campaigns, seeking to use vast personal wealth to influence control of Congress.

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