• Technology

Microsoft’s Majorana 1 Quantum Computer: The Ultimate Breakthrough in Announcing Nonexistent Things

Larry LiteralistDecember 28, 2025

Microsoft has unveiled Majorana 1, a quantum computer so cutting-edge it simultaneously advances science and the art of declaring products that do not yet exist. This heralds a new era where corporate announcements for flying pigs and other mythical innovations are, at last, officially sanctioned.

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• Technology

Americans Celebrate Week Between Christmas and New Year’s by Panic-Buying Discount Phones, Power Banks, and Mario Games They’ll Instantly Lose in Couch

Larry LiteralistDecember 28, 2025

Americans desperately buy discounted gadgets and Nintendo games during the lull between holidays, hoping to distract themselves until the new year.

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• Technology

Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief as Anker Laptop Power Bank Returns to $87.99; Americans Finally Able to Leave Homes Again

Gloria HyperboleDecember 27, 2025

Anker's Laptop Power Bank drops to $87.99, prompting a nationwide surge of relief as Americans regain the ability to charge every device in their homes simultaneously.

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• Technology

Google Pixel 10 Discount Causes Surge in Unwanted Gift Exchanges, Nation Braces for ‘Mass Re-Gifting Event of the Decade’

Larry LiteralistDecember 26, 2025

A massive Pixel 10 price drop leads to a nationwide surge in last-minute gifting and re-gifting of the discounted phones.

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• Technology

Holiday Miracle: 30 Uniquely Forgettable Gifts Still Available, Ready to Arrive Mere Seconds Before Christmas Morning Meltdown

Larry LiteralistDecember 25, 2025

Online retailers are offering discounts on dozens of perfectly adequate gifts that shoppers can order up to the last possible minute, ensuring families can once again substitute overnight shipping for emotional connection.

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• Technology

AI Safety Bill Watered Down After Tech Industry Reminds Lawmakers That Terminators Rarely File Paperwork

Larry LiteralistDecember 24, 2025

New York's once-strict AI safety bill was weakened after tech companies and universities lobbied against requirements for transparency and planning.

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• Technology

Desperate Americans Settle for Two-Year-Old Headphones in Last-Minute Bid to Avoid Holiday Shame

Penny PunchlineDecember 23, 2025

Americans resort to buying heavily discounted, two-year-old Beats headphones as last-minute gifts to avoid holiday embarrassment and repair strained family bonds.

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• Technology

Desperate Holiday Shoppers Flock To Sony XM5 Headphones, Hoping Noise Cancellation Will Drown Out Guilt Over Missed Black Friday Deals

Buck MulliganDecember 22, 2025

Last-minute holiday shoppers rush to buy discounted gadgets like Sony headphones and Kindles in hopes that noise cancellation and smart devices will help them cope with the guilt and chaos of procrastinated gift-giving.

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• Technology

Google Celebrates App Developer Freedom By Charging Them For Using It, Announces ‘Liberty Surcharge’

Veronica TruthbombDecember 21, 2025

Google will now allow U.S. app developers to link to alternative app stores, as long as they pay a $2–$4 per install 'Liberty Surcharge.'

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• Technology

Nintendo Unveils New Switch Controller That Doubles as Self-Care Device for Gamers Refusing to Upgrade

Chester P. NonsenseDecember 20, 2025

Nintendo unveils a new Switch controller for die-hard original Switch users, featuring comfort features and emotional support as accessory makers and technology march on.

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